How to Half-Ass a PR

The Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon was half #58 for me, and I was completely unprepared, so I had zero expectations. I just wanted to enjoy the day without more than the usual aches and pains, and preferably with none. However, despite all the odds, I beat my personal best time by almost two minutes, and had a very good day. Crazy!

I present the Happel Half-Assed Half-Marathon Training Plan.

Week 1:

1. Move to a new apartment.
2. Have PRK surgery on both eyes, rendering yourself useless for at least three full days. Don't bother to eat for these three days, as that requires too much effort to rouse from the Vicodin-induced pain-avoiding slumber.
3. Spend rest of the week trying to find basic items, such as running tights, running socks, favorite running shoes, etc. In the process, find some dress socks and clean underwear.
4. End the week participating in a 30-hour event (Bourbon Chase relay). The night before the relay, make sure you make wise diet choices such as Apple Pie Bourbon samples and Town Branch Rum. Continue the bourbon-sample diet throughout the event.

Week 2:

1. Improve diet slightly by finally going to store and buying some fresh fruit, and lay off the burgers.
2. Fight eye-strain headaches and exhaustion while waiting for eyes to heal. Continue to sleep as much as possible after miserable 8-hour days of staring at laptop. Hope the eyes settle down soon.
3. Wear sweat pants to training sessions at gym, since you can't find the gym shorts and prefer not to wear spandex.
4. End the week traveling to a 40th-anniversary celebration of your high school opening. Participate in multiple events, ensuring you don't get enough rest. Continue to monitor the diet with genuine Tex-Mex and Starbucks coffee and pastries. Return home to unpacked apartment with a severe case of hotel-head sniffles and dry coughing.

Week 3:

1. Give up on finding gym shorts and wear spandex shorts to training session at gym.
2. Eat more of that fresh fruit you bought in week 2. Contemplate adding some fresh vegetables. Find the oatmeal and get back to your normal breakfast.
3. Break down and buy a pair of reading glasses to at least get you through the work day, knowing you likely will have to buy another pair of a different strength before too much longer.
4. Drag yourself to the first group exercise class in a month, an Insanity class. Be humbled at how severely it kicks your butt. Try to hang on to knowledge that it won't kick your butt so badly the next time.
5. The night before the half-marathon, usher a symphony concert, assuring you will get home later and will be going to Jimmy John's for dinner at some point during the concert.
6. Don't bother looking for gels for the upcoming race. No idea where they are anyway, and looking for them will eat into what's left of your sleep time. Be happy you can find a complete running ensemble that will be comfortable for 13 miles.

Race Day:

1. Skip the race fanny pack. Can't find the nutrition anyway, so why bother? Check the ID and money at gear check and don't worry about it. Make a plan to consume Gatorade for your calories, and hope for the best.
2. Remember to turn on the Garmin since it can take forever to find the satellites. Ponder the significance of the fact that somehow the Garmin made it through the move without disappearing into a random box, yet the nutrition has gone AWOL.
3. Enjoy the pre-race chatter, look forward to the impending beautiful day, and make your way to the starting corral. Optimistically place yourself in the corral that's a few minutes faster than your average starting time, just to avoid getting trapped behind any large groups of walkers.
4. Start the race, turn on the Garmin, and forget about it. At 3 miles, see the race clock and double-check the Garmin to make sure. Note that you are on track for a PR, but decide to see how it's going at the 10K mark before committing to seriously pursuing it. Continue walking only at aid stations, and resist the urge for walk breaks anywhere else.
   
5. Try not to get annoyed at being passed by the juggling guy. Yes, he was juggling three balls for the entire race. And he passed me before mile 6.
6. Hit the 10K mark, and see another PR. Hmmm. Dismiss the idea of calling it good and relaxing for the remainder of the race, and hope they have some nutrition at the next aid station.
7. Finally find food after mile 8. Take two Cliff blocks, grateful for the calories. Take a little extra time to choke them down with some water, and make a mental note that those things sure do take a lot of chewing.
8. At mile 10, note another PR, and decide to push for the remaining three miles. Keep resisting the urge to take walk breaks. Enjoy the fact that you are passing a lot of people who haven't leap-frogged you, and that you don't sound quite as bad as some of them.
9. Pass mile marker 12. Do some mental math, rule out any possibility of a much-wanted walk break, and keep pushing on.
10. Cross the finish line at 2:07:53 with a 9:45/mile pace, very close to two minutes faster than your last PR (which was two years ago, two days after a Spirits Expo and approximately 63 samples of high-quality spirits).
    
11. Laugh about the whole thing while enjoying a large caramel latte from the best coffee shop in town (Mo Joe's). Take a walk in the local park and admire the beautiful fall foliage. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.